Me, Myself and I

I have never felt whole. I think that’s a strange thing to think but it’s true. I never felt I belonged anywhere properly, I had groups of friends that I felt I was always on the edge. I never got ALL of the inside jokes because I was never on the inside properly.

I still have to fight that feeling. At home I feel slightly adrift, and in my house at uni. I don’t know why this is. I know I think about  things a lot. Maybe that’s why. When I catch myself thinking silly things that are most probably untrue I stop myself, remind me how I am present and valued. I love all of my family and friends and most of the time I feel like I am loved back.

When I first met my stepmum it was her who taught me that it is ourselves that decide how we feel. She is the one who made me accountable for all the things I thought others thought about me. And I love her so much for it.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have to work at it… hard. To not feel like everyone else has stronger relationships. To not think that people wouldn’t be bothered whether I was there or not. And no one can tell you, you don’t matter to them. No one has that right.

But anyway the point I was going to make before I started to go off on one was my feeling of not belonging is probably the main reason why I read.

Plots and storylines of most children, teenage and adult books are the progression from outsider to the main one in the circle. Look at Harry Potter, the Narnia books, most classics. All of them somehow lead to the protagonist being the hero, being accepted, adhering to social norms. And all of those make for a feeling of inclusion and solidarity. I think the thing I find most sad about finishing, especially a long series, is that feeling of acceptance comes to an end.

However, that feeling of non acceptance, of rejection of being left out fades as you get older. You find different friendships, understand people differently and better.

So yes, that is why I read 🙂 hope you all feel included all of the time 🙂 x

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Why having a big family is awesome!

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This is some of my family. Yes. SOME.

Actually this is some of my step family, but blood isn’t everything. This christmas I spent it with my them in a remote part of Scotland. I won’t lie I was a bit concerned. There are some fairly big characters in the group (of which I would change none) but all in the mix I was worried about conflict.

Each has their own agenda (all for making it the best christmas possible but still…. conflict) Thats the thing about my family. Everyone wants the best for everyone else. I find that amazing. Although I haven’t seen a lot of them for a long time, I spend most of my time at uni now, it was as if I had seen them the previous week. You see what’s great about being loads of you is that there is always someone. ALWAYS. Whether its just crashed out in front of the TV or playing monopoly or pool or running around in the garden you are NEVER alone.

And it went smoothly. I hope you are as shocked as I was. There was one incident with a nerf bullet to my face and a threat that I would never carry out, but hey, thats what being a cousin is all about.

My parents are amazing, a constant inspiration, as are my brothers. I love them all and wouldn’t change anything that’s happened to make me meet them. x