I have never felt whole. I think that’s a strange thing to think but it’s true. I never felt I belonged anywhere properly, I had groups of friends that I felt I was always on the edge. I never got ALL of the inside jokes because I was never on the inside properly.
I still have to fight that feeling. At home I feel slightly adrift, and in my house at uni. I don’t know why this is. I know I think about things a lot. Maybe that’s why. When I catch myself thinking silly things that are most probably untrue I stop myself, remind me how I am present and valued. I love all of my family and friends and most of the time I feel like I am loved back.
When I first met my stepmum it was her who taught me that it is ourselves that decide how we feel. She is the one who made me accountable for all the things I thought others thought about me. And I love her so much for it.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have to work at it… hard. To not feel like everyone else has stronger relationships. To not think that people wouldn’t be bothered whether I was there or not. And no one can tell you, you don’t matter to them. No one has that right.
But anyway the point I was going to make before I started to go off on one was my feeling of not belonging is probably the main reason why I read.
Plots and storylines of most children, teenage and adult books are the progression from outsider to the main one in the circle. Look at Harry Potter, the Narnia books, most classics. All of them somehow lead to the protagonist being the hero, being accepted, adhering to social norms. And all of those make for a feeling of inclusion and solidarity. I think the thing I find most sad about finishing, especially a long series, is that feeling of acceptance comes to an end.
However, that feeling of non acceptance, of rejection of being left out fades as you get older. You find different friendships, understand people differently and better.
So yes, that is why I read 🙂 hope you all feel included all of the time 🙂 x